Andrew Cotton

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Biology


My biology teacher didn’t like me at school, she never told me to my face but I could just tell deep down I really pissed her off and she just couldn’t stand me and no matter what I did or how well I did it I was always going to fail that biology class. Odd as I’m a bloody nice guy and not to bad at biology either but you can’t win them all and on the plus side my chemistry teacher loved me and no matter what I did or how bad I did I always managed to pass and do well in that class. Although at first I just assumed these scenarios it wasn’t until the end of my schooling life it became more and more obvious to me, the fact that I copied all my chemistry course work word for word off my mate and he only managed to scrape a C and myself, well I sailed through with an A was a slight give away. That and the fact that no matter what I did or to be honest who I copied, It was always the complete opposite in biology. Lifes just so freaking strange sometimes.
This is a photo of me when I was on the telly. Been on there a lot the past 6 months, usually about being the mega famous surfing super star that I am although this particular time I look more like someone off of crime watch but it definitely had nothing to do with biology or chemistry.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Proper Devon


I’m not Cornish, born in Plymouth see which makes me Devonshire the same as my parents. Dad was born in Barnstaple and my Mum in a shed on the outskirts of Crediton (she probably wasn’t) although my sister was born In Turo as my folks lived down that way for a while so I suppose she’s kind of Cornish but then again probably not as neither our parents are so even though she was born in Cornwall she’s not really Cornish as both our parents are Devonians, it gets confusing as I’m not sure whether you’d say she was half Cornish or maybe just a third but I can say she’s not proper Devonshire or Cornish for that matter. Poor Hayley, I feel like the lucky one now.

Just been down to the Atlantic Games in Brittany as I was a responsible adult for the junior Devon team, you know give up my time for free to make sure they don’t do anything silly, get them to the beach on time and also for their heats, giving them a bit of encouragement and maybe some pointers and words of wisdom. Well I think that was the job description. It’s a funny role as to be honest the majority of the kids are far more responsible than me, I’m not great at talking to people I don’t know and I’m not much of a group person either as I like my own company and a bit of peace and quiet. They did do well though and it was good hanging out with and getting to know the Devon surf stars of the future.

Spent a bit of time with these boys down there too which was a bit of eye opener and I’d make a bit of a guess and say they’re definitely proper Cornish.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Jonesys thoughts on organised fun

There’s two types of people in this world, people who like "organised fun" and people who don't. The first group would love nothing more than slipping on a comedy wig and a tee shirt with a highly amusing nickname on the back and someone's ugly gurning face on the front, (that they will only ever wear once before it sits festering at the bottom of their wardrobe) and going paint balling, or to Ibiza or Newquay and acting like a pride of twat lions. "oh look at us and how much fecking fun we're having". Now don't get me wrong, that's fine, that's what they like to do, good for them, but it isn't for me thank you very much. I like having fun, I'm a pretty funny type of guy, I just don’t like being told exactly when and how to enjoy myself, and what I have to wear to ensure that I am having the most extreme fun possible. I've been watching a bit of Wimbledon, I like tennis and it's nice to be able to watch some sport without having a dirty big dish stuck on the side of my house and paying for the privilege, and seeing Andy Murray play has I must admit, been a bit inspirational. I haven't gone all mental and stuck a flag outside the house, or developed a Scottish accent but it has been good to watch. Even better has been seeing him in interviews after matches, answering pointless questions that increasingly seem to have one aim, to try and make the guy smile. He is getting slagged off left right and centre for not smiling much or showing any emotion - so what? He is a professional sportsman at the height of his career who trains every hour god sends, probably on his serve or backhand approach play rather than telling jokes or acting the clown. If I want to see some gormless grinning idiot on telly I put on cbeebies, there's fecking hundreds on there, but I don't see Mr Tumble playing in the men's finals anytime soon (probably a good thing, I wouldn't personally trust him around the ball boys). I much prefer seeing a focused sports pro getting on with his job and winning through his ability, and ignoring all the criticism he's getting for not constantly grinning like someone who's just taught their dog to shit money. I'm sure he's having the time of his life, and if he doesn't show it, so what. Those who criticise him for not gurning like a Glastonbury dropout after every point are probably the same people whooping and hollering because "Spunky" has just spilt his 10th j├Ąger bomb of the afternoon down his "Keith's last stand" tee shirt in billy budds beer garden (Spunky always has been a lightweight twit). Anyway, point is, I don't like organised fun or being told when I'm supposed to be having a good time. Neither does my mate Cotton.

Monday, 2 July 2012

Life is Ace according to Blakey

Life is ACE. Life is extreme. Life is people. Life is wearing no bra, getting all wet, and jumping up and down aimlessly. There is no why. Then, such purpose, such dedication, determination, such complete utter lunacy. What a unique human this Andrew Cotton character is. His stag do was a good reflection of his personality. There was no point making a man strip naked and wear silly costumes when he has done that most days for the last 20 years of his life. More ridiculous would have been to make him sit there and read a book or watch a movie, which I’ve never seen him do. He is too thirsty, thirsty for life, the people in it and their idiosyncrasies. We did buy him a leg humping uniform; a leather sausage holder but he was being so interestingly ludicrous without it that we made Lyndon Wake wear it and his morph costume instead. Cotton is very humble about his big wave antics and much prefers talking about penises. “I’d prefer to watch your penis bounce up and down for an hour than watch an episode of big brother” was a text I received from him last night. In fact Jonesy and I had to steal his limelight on our visit to the XXL penis awards in LA proclaiming ourselves to everyone as “Big Shits” with $50.000 prize money to throw at the moon. Not Andy, he doesn’t even like talking about it. How was catching that 50ft wave? “Yea was alright yea” Is the most you can get out of him. This penchant for extremity has transferred itself to his new life as an extremely exceptional father to little Ace Cotton. Just the other day I was round there when it was Ace’s bath time. Ace kept saying: arrrrrrrrr marrrrrrrrrrrr rrrarrrrrrrrrrrrr. “Shut up steve or I’ll put you in the bin” was cottons response. But he never did and he never will. Just jokes, because life doesn’t always have to be so serious. Although as a parent why not just put a baby in a room (not a bin) where you can’t hear it and just let in cry until it stops? And why not just not let it sleep in the day, make it wait until evening, then it will be so tired it won t wake you up all night? Shall I write a book? Cotton will be extreme as a family man. Extremely exceptional. His little girl is Honeylicous and his boy is Acemazing and his future wife is fabulous and very understanding! She too is unique, in that she laughs in the face of his physical and metaphorical bouncing penis instead of chastising it and his personality as thousands would. She is certainly not a handbrake and Andy and Ace are very lucky to nestle in the metaphorical and physical bosom of her humanity. Looking forward to the wedding in September! Andrew Blake (Ba hons, Cert ed) Sponsor me to shave my head here: https://www.justgiving.com/thebigcfundraiser Book a BayFitness Health, lifestyle and Fitness or SURFIT retreat here: http://www.bayfitness.co.uk/Retreats.htm